Not a Monster, Right?
by NativeStar
Summary: Sam’s words are haunting Dean as he wonders what kind of a person he is and questions both his actions and the hunt.  This was written for missingspn on LJ for the prompt Croatoan.


Title: Not a Monster, Right?Author: NativeStar  
Word Count: 776  
Rating: K+ or PG  
Warnings: Nothing really, no pairings, spoilers up to Croatoan  
Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
Summary: Sam's words are haunting Dean as he wonders what kind of a person he is and questions both his actions and the hunt. This was written for missingspn on LJ for the prompt Croatoan.  
A/N: Thanks to Tigriswolf on LJ for the beta.

* * *

They were on the road again, putting a good few hundred miles between them and River Grove. Dean had decided they'd stop soon, somewhere nice and stretch their legs, breathe a sigh of relief that they somehow made it out alive. Although who the hell knows how, Dean would lose sleep over this, but he wouldn't question it, he wouldn't be ungrateful.

Sam was staring out the window, lost in his thoughts and now it was all over, Dean had time to think, to get lost in his own thoughts. He didn't much like where his mind was taking him. He remembered the look, on the kid's face, the fear when he thought Dean was going to kill him. Sam had been right, turned out the guy was innocent and Dean had been about to waste an innocent man.

Was that really how Sam saw him? A mindless killer who would shoot first and ask questions later? Sure, he'd reluctantly admit that he'd been more reckless than usual following Dad's death but he was just getting the job done. The things he killed were asking for it, he never killed anything that wasn't evil, that didn't _need_ stopping. Right?

Dean wasn't a monster. He wasn't. Right? So then why did this doubt linger in his mind? Why, after Lenore and the friendly neighbourhood vampires, did he question every hunt he'd been on, every time he'd pulled his knife or gun or stake and killed something? _You're acting like one of those things out there._

He tried hard not to think too much about it, the guilt could eat him alive. He'd seen what that could do to a man and he refused to let that become him. Sam needed him.

He trusted Sam. _Guess I might have to stick around to be a pain in the ass then. _Dean wasn't sure there was a might anymore. Sam would have to act as Dean's moral compass, as it seemed like Dean's own was more than slightly skewed and not in a positive way. Still, he'd had the choice, Sam couldn't have stopped him and he'd made the right choice. Right? He'd chosen not to kill.

He'd honestly thought he had to do it, he'd had no choice. The risk was too great, he had four people relying on him, four lives to protect and he just couldn't risk it. Couldn't risk Sammy.

Despite Dean's own concern, it still hurt, the implication Sam had left unsaid. It hurt that Sam thought Dean was that cold. That Sam thought he was even capable of cold blooded murder said a lot about his view of Dean and he didn't like it one bit. Surely Sam knew him as well as he knew Sam. Right? He knew Sam wasn't a killer, didn't have it in his bones. Why couldn't Sam tell the same?

His whole life was dissolving into shades of grey; shades Dean didn't even realise were there. Dean didn't like grey. He liked things black and white. If it's evil then kill it, if it's not then let it be. Supernatural things were evil. End of story. No ambiguity, no shades of grey, no regrets and no guilt. However, it seemed that his dad's view of the world, the one he had passed onto Dean was not entirely correct. But this was his life, he didn't believe in destiny but if he did, hunting would have been his destiny. He'd embraced this life a long while ago.

Dean did the job that no one else wanted to, was ruthless if he had to be. He killed the demons and monsters no one else knew about, it fell to reason that he would make the decisions, the tough decisions that no one else could. _It's supposed to be tough, Dean. We're supposed to struggle with this, that's the whole point._ So he didn't always struggle with the tough decisions. That didn't make him a monster though. Right?

Sam shifted in the seat and Dean groaned internally. He could tell that Sam was about to start talking about some topic Dean would rather leave well alone.  
"Dean, I'm sorry."  
"For what?" Damn, but he hated these conversations.  
"For what I said…for pretty much calling you a monster." Yep, he'd much rather leave that topic well alone.  
"Forget about it, Sam."  
"No, Dean, I…I didn't mean it. I just…"  
Dean sighed. "Sam, its fine. I know you don't think I'm a monster. Besides, you'd never let me go that far, right?" He flashed Sam a grin and turned up the radio.

Sam would stop him, just like he would stop Sam. Right?

* * *

Reviews are like gold dust, any and all comments and criticisms are welcomed!

While I was writing this I realised there was so much to draw on from the show about Dean's actions, his fear over what he's willing to do and how Sam stops him from going too far and it mirrors in a way Sam's own fears about his destiny. So I may expand and explore the themes in this fic in a new one, using it as a backdrop to a new hunt maybe, probably set just before Croatoan or after Hunted…that is as soon as I come up with a workable idea. Where are the plot bunnies when you need them?!


End file.
